Move Aside, I’ll Discipline Your Kid For You.
A fictional story highlighting what cultural miscommunication can look like.
Mr. O, The Mother, and The Tantrum
We begin the evening inside a convenience store in the suburbs of Columbia, Maryland. Mr. O (Black, 40’s) is the only day shift employee of this slow business. He has recently moved from Nigeria and has been working at this store for almost a month now. Mr. O enjoys making conversation with every customer that stops by. He remembers every face he meets. While he is stocking a shelf full of toiletries, the bell of the entrance rings. A grade-school child (White, 7 years old) suddenly barges into the store headed straight to the candy aisle. His mother (White, 30’s) follows behind him.
Mother: Junior! No running in the store please!
Junior sticks his tongue at his mother and blows a raspberry.
Junior: Shut up, I can do whatever I want.
Mr. O hears Junior’s comment. He’s stunned for a second. Mr. O then turns to the mother walking towards him who seems to have let that comment slide.
Mr. O: Hello Ma’am. If you need help finding anything let me know.
Mother: Oh yes sir, I’m actually looking for cans of soup, please.
Mr. O: No problem right this way. I actually just moved them towards the back recently. We needed more space for them. Can’t go wrong with too much soup, am I right?
The mother laughs a little as she follows Mr. O.
Mother: Absolutely not sir. At least not for my son. He loves soup.
Mr. O: So does mine! I’ve never seen both of you here before though. Are you new to the area?
Mother: We’re actually not from here. We are on our way to pick up my son’s friend. My son’s really excited for them to have a sleepover. I thought it would be easy to just pick up soup for our dinner.
Mr. O: Wow, I can never understand you Americans and allowing your children to stay at other people’s houses overnight. They cannot just play and go home?
There’s an awkward shift of energy between the two.
Mother: You Americans? Where are you from sir?
Mr. O: Nigeria.
Mother: Children are not allowed to spend the night at each other houses there?
Mr. O: Well, maybe if the parents are very close to each other. But, definitely not here no matter what. Bad things can happen. Especially here.
Mother: Mmm bad things happen anywhere sir.
Mr. O: Not to a child of mine. Let me leave you to pick your soup, I will meet you at the counter.
He continues towards the cash register.
Junior, who has been gathering a handful of candy, runs towards his mother to the soup aisle.
Junior: Mom, I want all of this candy for Jordan and I tonight.
Mother: Junior, you boys can’t eat all of that tonight. Plus we already have some at home. I think it would better if-
Junior drops all the candy and suddenly SCREAMS!
Junior: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Mr. O turns to the child, stunned again just like when he walked in.
Junior’s mother seems to be used to this behavior. She responses very calmly
Mother: Junior? Honey? Calm down. Remember what we talk about. Deep breaths. Remember?
The mother begins to slowly count. Demonstrating deep breaths to her son.
Mother: 1… 2…. 3…..-
Junior: NO… NO…. NO….NONONONONONONONONONONO!!
Junior picks up one of the soup cans from the shelf and THROWS it at his mother! He misses but it knocks down the toiletries Mr. O was arranging before!
Mr. O comes out of nowhere. He GRABS Junior’s hand and stands right in front looking down on the child.
Mr. O: That is NOT how you behave!
THEN The mother reaches for her child
Mother: Get away from him! Don’t you EVER put your hands on my child! Who do you think you are!
Junior is immediately quiet.
Mr. O: How could you let a child behave like this? Where is your discipline? You cannot allow a child to disrespect you like that! He needs a spanking!
Mother: You have no right to tell me how to treat my child! He doesn’t know you and I don’t know you either. You have no right to touch anyone without their permission!
Mr.O: You want me to watch a child disgrace themself and their parent and do nothing about it? In Nigeria we-
Mother: You are in AMERICA! Go back to Nigeria if you want to spank children! We are leaving!
Mr. O watches as the mother and the tantrum storm out.
Question & Answer
A) What are some of the communication problems between X and Y? —
Mr. O and The mother have a cultural dispute about how the relationship between a parent and a child should be and cultural styles of discipline.
B) How does each person perceive the other’s behavior? —
Mr. O sees the child’s behavior as inappropriate towards an adult and the mother as too passive. The mother sees Mr. O’s behavior as aggressive and rude.
C) Can you explain some of the cultural and linguistic reasons behind the miscommunication? —
Traditional Nigerian parents believe in the concept of “the village raises the child”. When a child is misbehaving in public it is culturally acceptable for strangers to come in and intervene. The stranger will scold the child taking the place of whomever the parent is. In America, this is a big no. America usually minds their own business when it comes to children’s behavior in public places.
Nigerian communication can be both indirect and direct depending on the situation. When it is direct, it comes off as rude even though that is not the person’s intent. When Mr. O questioned why The Mother allows Junior to sleep over at people’s houses, The Mother took that as a passive-aggressive question. But to newly-arrived immigrant Mr. O, he doesn’t understand that this is common in western society.
